Interview with Kertész Tibor

This week I had the opportunity to interview Kertész Tibor. He is a well known Hungarian mediator with a genuine passion for conflict resolution and the process of mediation. The interview provided me with a wonderful insight into mediation in Hungary, and the importance of passion and professionalism in the field of conflict resolution. 

How did you become involved in mediation?

I attended ELTE University in Budapest, and while I was there István ( a founding member of Partners Hungary Foundation) introduced me to the concept of mediation. I was very interested and discovered that I really enjoyed mediation. István then introduced me to Partners Hungary Foundation as a volunteer. After attending trainings, in which active and experiential learning took place, I became a training assistant. I also studied, trained, and practiced in Austria and in the U.S.A.

How many mediations have you conducted? I have heard through the grape-vine that you have conducted the most mediation sessions in Hungary?

I think my students and fellow mediators have done many mediations. We are all very close in number. (At this point, as an interviewer, I would like to highlight the modesty Tibor showed throughout the interview). I'm not quite sure. At the last count I had held 1300 mediation sessions.

What are the most common "types" or "forms" of conflict that you mediate?

Currently, I would say business conflict and family conflict. Mostly dealing with conflicts around the divorce process.

In your opinion what is the greatest benefit of engaging in a mediation in order to resolve a conflict? Why may it be better than engaging with the court system?

When you participate in a mediation the outcomes and the process is based upon the participants decisions. They are in control of the conflict resolution process. It isn't depended on a third party-like a judge. Also, the judicial system and law was not created with the specific personal and situational context of the participants in mind. I recently had a divorcing couple come to mediation, while still having their case heard in court, and they left agreeing that they needed to resolve their problems through mediation. They wanted to come to their own personal decisions.

What is the most rewarding part of being a mediator or the mediation process for you?

Receiving a thank you is always rewarding. I think that it is important to know that not everyone leaves a mediation smiling, but when there is an agreement and you can see the participants are relieved. When the participants have been able to come to some form of conclusion without hurting the other and moving away from a win-lose perspective....that is the biggest reward. I think seeing people engage with problem-solving through mediation is very rewarding. 

What is the most difficult aspect of being a mediator?

Staying out of the conflict and maintaining neutrality. You must always remain aware of being neutral. It is easy to find yourself within another person's conflict. For example- I had a mediation in which a divorced parent left the country with the child and the other parent wanted them to return. The child was four. I have a four-year old. It is easy to see you life in other people's conflict. The most important thing is to remember to remain professional. You are there as a professional.

Is there a difference between mediation in the U.S. and mediation in Hungary? 

The types of conflict are the same. There are not necessarily differences in the forms of conflicts or its manifestation. However, there are slight cultural differences. I think in the U.S. people are able to open-up more easily. Building trust is an easier process. Mediation is more widely accepted in the U.S. and there is an understanding of the mediation process. Because, the concept of mediation is more legitimate in the U.S. society participants often know that a mediator is neutral and is not advocating for any side. This is not always the case in Hungary.

What is success in mediation? What does a successful mediation look like?

Many people think it's an agreement, but sometimes an agreement is not the best outcome. Let me give you an example. This occurred in a victim-offender mediation. A couple had separated and were going through the divorce process. They lived in separate places and the divorce process was very hard. The woman ended up throwing a brick through her ex-husband's window-it landed on the dining table while he was eating with his new girlfriend. The police were called and she was charged. During the mediation old stories and conflicts were told for two-hours. In the end the woman said: "I don't want to do this anymore. My life was about you. Revolved around you. I want to quit mediation." She decided to go to court. The woman understood she would be found guilty, but she saw it as ending the conflict. She wanted to "stop playing his game." It was the only way she could get a clean break. So you see an agreement does not always represent a success in mediation. It is different based on the people and their conflict-context.

How do you "see" mediation in Hungary? 

Positive. Legislation has expanded the field, and it is becoming more and more integrated into the judicial system. There is always room for improvement- mostly in terms of training and quality management. In Hungary, you need 60 hours of training to be a mediator. There is no form of examination and you do not have to participate as a co-mediator or as an observer. Additionally, there is not enough interest in the person who wants to be a mediation. Are they a good candidate? Are they prepared? Not having this quality management makes it very easy for people to be suspicious of professional mediators. 

What is your favorite type of conflict to mediate? ( The phrasing of this question was due to clarity)

Dealing with neighborhood conflict. It is difficult. Married people can separate, but if all your memories, belongings, finances, and security are tied to a physical place...then the conflict is very complicated. The most private area of people's lives and often their "escape" is their home. There was a neighborhood conflict, in the past, that occurred on a one-way street. The families lived on opposite ends and one of the families blocked the exist out. They did not let the other family through with ease. There was fear of violence. The other family often had to be escorted past the "block". When we held the mediation everyone in the town showed up. Through a series of questions and discussion the question of: "why are we here?" and "what is the problem?" was asked. No one knew. No-one could answer the question. There was no way to discuss the starting point of the conflict. Through discussion, it became clear that the neighbors had been in conflict for over forty-years. It had started with their grandparents and some connection to one of the men borrowing a bike from a church... and the other knocking him over. The conflict was so intense it had been maintained for generations. One of the participants decided not to come to the mediation. He or she feared violence. After we held the mediation we did a follow-up on the neighborhood ( 6 months after mediation). The general feeling was that the parties didn't end up as friends, but they could live together. This was a success.

I am personally very committed to working with children and understanding their perspectives in conflict situations. What is the major difference between mediations involving adults and those involving children?

Children-youth are involved in mediation in a couple of different ways: indirectly and directly. Indirectly, children may be involved when handling family conflicts such as divorce or conflicts that involve institutions-such as schools. This is a complex issue overall. In Hungary you cannot involve a child under the age of 14 in a mediation. It is not a matter of parental consent, but a ruling based on age. Children that are coping or form a part of a conflict (often times indirectly) do not have much of a voice. They can't speak for themselves. In a family conflict, such as divorce, you have two parents...but there is a third narrative (the child's) that is not always present.

When I do meet and encounter children-youths in mediation sessions they often have similar traits to the elderly. They are similar in many of their vulnerabilities and their emotions. However, a major difference is that the elderly talk and children-youth often don't want to. Children-youth often don't initially really trust me as a mediator. I am not their age or in their social circle etc. It is understandable. This makes it harder to create dialogue. Usually, you have to start on a topic that allows for some discussion and can lead to trust-building. A topic that everyone has an understanding of. The focus of direct child-youth mediation is communication building and creating trust. You need to build trust in the participants and the process before you can resolve conflict. 

This question leads me to think of empathy building, which is different between the elderly and children-youth. You cannot always ask a child a direct question such as : "How would you feel in the same situation?" or " What is trust to you?" Often times children-youth cannot express themselves in a direct- "question-answer" manner. Rather, it is easier for them to tell stories. I have often had success phrasing points in the following manner: " Tell me a story in which you felt you were trusted." 

How would you like to see mediation develop in Hungary over the next ten years? Ideally?

I would like all mediators to have university degrees. Maybe even a Masters in conflict resolution. I would like there to be a practical training requirement and lots of fieldwork form part of the process of becoming a mediator. Mediators "in training" would be required to observe, co-mediate, and have 350 hours of training before being permitted to practice mediation alone. I would also like to see large and strong mediation organizations developed. Ones that could provide quality control. These organizations could provide training and ensure that skill levels are high. Hopefully the number of mediation cases increases. In Vienna, Austria, a large organization as I have described exists and they mediate thousands of cases a year. I think these organizations should be civil organizations and not run by the state. 

What advice would you offer to mediators just entering into the profession? Or students such as myself?

You are going to have to reflect on yourself and conflict in a different way. You will need to understand your place in the conflict resolution process. Bright and innovative ideas to resolve the problems before you will come to your mind, but you will need to be a professional and stay neutral. You must learn to work with your personality without letting it impact the neutrality of mediation. Be neutral, but be present. You will never completely understand the conflict...only the participants fully understand what they are going through.

I would like to thank Tibor for taking the time out of his busy schedule to provide me with an interview. I have wanted to speak with him for a very long time, as his reputation as the best and brightest has often been discussed. I have participated in evaluations and have had the opportunity to meet and interview many wonderful individuals-all whom have urged me to speak with Tibor.